Anonymous


Hello Dear!

This feeling you are having isn’t as weird as you think and neither are you insane.

Biologically you are becoming a woman, that is to say you have begun to experience your own sexuality. This is a big deal in anyones life - male or female. Before puberty, I doubt you really thought much about your body and what it is capable of. With the onset of puberty, a whole new world of possibilities are open to you. Welcome to adulthood!

The “accepted” age at which we have children has changed much over the years. A hundred years ago, a girl would have considered herself practically an old maid at 25 if she wasn’t already married with at least one child. Our society changes from decade to decade and what was acceptable then, may well be frowned upon today. Does that mean the current ideology is correct and the past ones are wrong? I don’t have the answer to that, I’m simply posing the question as a point of interest.

Different cultures also have their own ideas about when a woman should start having children. In some parts of the middle east for example where it is fine for a man to have more than one wife if he can support them all financially, the age at which a husband can marry a girl and get her pregnant can be anywhere from 13 years onwards. In India, kids as young as 3 years old are married off, though they are not permitted to live together until the onset of puberty - and that can mean as young as 12! Some indigenous tribes consider it a way of life for teenagers to bond sexually and make children. Interestingly enough, the word “teenager” and all connotations of the word, derogatory and otherwise, is a distinctly western term. In other parts of the world, there is no name for this phase of growth - you would simply be considered an adult, although a young and inexperienced one.

The point I am trying to make is, what we see to be right or wrong, for the most part relies upon our placement in the world, our culture and heritage. I am telling you this because I wouldn’t want these feelings that you are having to isolate you further - whether from your peers or your family. You are normal and healthy.

Sweetheart, I would like to ask a few questions if I may:

Is there a particular reason that makes you want to have a child now at this stage of your life?
Are you lonely?
Do you simply want a baby to have something that is all yours?
Do you feel unconditional love from your parents or guardians?
Do you feel a desperate need to hold onto something or anyone?
Are there big changes going on in your personal life or the lives of your immediate family? 
Do you just want someone to love?

I would ask that you think deeply about these questions, somewhere inside you there are answers waiting to be heard. It’s just a case of being brave enough to face them.

From the tone of your message, I think you already realise having a baby is no picnic if you are (A) not emotionally ready and (B) not financially prepared.

The person you will become in five years time, is not the same as person you are today. The things that are important to you now may seem silly, trivial or downright absurd a decade from now and nothing is as permanent and life changing as having a child.

What if you were to have a baby now and regret not the fact that you made a child but the fact that you lost all the possibilities your youth and freedom had to offer?

As someone who had a child at a young age, I can testify and say - hand on my heart - that I love my son more than I love anyone or anything in this entire universe but when I had him I was nowhere nearly prepared to nourish a healthy young mind and feed him the things he needed that would support him mentally and emotionally. I just did not yet possess any of those skills, how could I? My life experience was NIL. And these skills are crucial if you want to make a whole person and not another person with issues to add to societies burgeoning list of dysfunctional people. Looking back, I think I did an alright job but I know I could have done so much better if I had waited until I did enough work on my own personal growth and took care of the issues in my life which I considered to be the most painful.

I am not saying that because it was tough on me, it’s going to be tough on you. I am just saying that parenting is tough. Fact.

Making life is about making preparations. Of course no one can ever be fully prepared to have a baby - when it happens it is like nothing you ever imagined…it’s a lot “more”….bigger….intense….everything….If that makes any sense. However, you owe it to your child to be as prepared as humanly possible. His or her physical and emotional survival depends upon you and on every decision both large and small that you make after he or she is born - possibly for the next 25 years! How do you feel looking that far ahead into the future? Yes. It’s pretty scary stuff.

Silly question, but have you discussed your feelings with your parents/guardians? This is a big deal because making a baby at the age you are now, will affect the lives of every member of your immediate family - in the short and long term. Your parents might have to make certain financial contributions which might harm whatever plans they have for a secure retirement, for example. So, I can understand that you may want this, but if you still need the assistance of your parents, it is only fair and respectful that you talk it over with them, rather than going ahead and getting yourself pregnant and hoping they will change their lives around to accommodate pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing. 

Do you have any plans for your future, dear? Are you interested in college or university? Is there a particular career path you might be interested in? If so, having a baby now will make those plans very difficult to live out, or worse, you may not be given the opportunity to experience any of them. Nothing is as horrible as having regrets about a life wasted. It’s perfectly ok to want certain things now but do try and put your thoughts into some sort of logical perspective and try and think what the future you might want.

Then there is the issue of relationships. Perhaps you don’t know, but I can tell you that it is no easy thing to create and sustain a healthy, meaningful and productive relationship when you have a child. At the moment you may not be interested in anything longterm but one day you will be. One day you may want the security a stable one-on-one relationship can offer. Relationships between single and unattached folks without responsibilities is hard enough, it is harder still to find a man who will love you and your child as though that child were his own blood. When it comes to dating, there are going to be countless times that you will have to cancel because your kid is sick and needs your full attention. Staying out all night and sleeping over your new boyfriends place and waking up late to enjoy each other more - well, unless you have a really good and understanding support network, this is simply not going to happen. These and more are the things which make up life as a single parent.

It’s tough. Can you honestly say you are ready to put the needs of another human being before your own - for the foreseeable future?

Sweetie, at the end of the day, this decision rests with you but if you want my advice, I would say wait until you know yourself a little better. Age doesn’t have anything to do with it, not really, as there are countless 50 year olds wandering about still searching for their identity. There are also lots of 30-somethings who have no business being parents because they are still selfish and cruel. If age was indeed a factor, we would all be well-balanced, healthy-minded individuals, because our parents waited for the “correct” age to procreate.

Give yourself some time until you have resolved the things/issues/problems in your life which hurt you the most right now. Live a little, Learn a little more. Enjoy growing into your skin and becoming the kind of woman you want to be. There is plenty of time left to make babies and look after them.

Namaste <3